With it being the festive season, I have come to the realisation that there is but one topic I could write about: being alone. I don’t just mean at Christmas, and I don’t just mean the type of alone where you are isolated and on your own. No, this kind of loneliness is much more painful. Some people are at their happiest when they are alone. I, however, am quite dangerous and even self-destructive on my own. Especially when I’m in a group of people having a “good time”. That pitiful cliché ‘feeling alone in a crowd full of people’ is sadly true for many people - myself included.
From the eyes of an onlooker, my life appears pretty good. I’m doing well in school; family life is worry-free; I’m in a relationship; I have friends. So why does this emptiness gnaw at my insides vigorously? I have no reason to feel this way, yet my heart is being dragged through a hurricane of emotions as I write this. A perfect day overshadowed by the torment of the mind. Perhaps paranoia has found a weakness in my persona; a small crack allowing room for major destruction.
How can I be fixed when, in fact, nothing is wrong? No triggers to be traced, no mistreatment to be found which may have brought about this feeling of complete isolation. It really is just me this time. Have I always been this way? Is this merely a build-up of emotions over a long period of time, leading inexorably to this collapse of stability and certainty? I am far from alone. I am surrounded by amazing people whom I am ever so grateful for, but even those that bring the greatest joy to me cannot comfort or reason for this pain I am going through. A pain of not only the mind, but the body also. Constant red, raw eyes, headaches and chest pain accompany the loneliness. A slight paradox there, it would appear.
It would be difficult for anyone to understand the frame of mind I am currently in, so therefore I have decided to express my emotions on paper rather than burden anyone with my inner issues. Apart from one or two I feel may be able to begin to console me. Unlikely though, considering how embroiled I have become in these emotions. My mind has succumbed to my heart’s cries, no – screams. These screams surfaced silently a few hours ago, bringing a tsunami of tears along with them, presumably just for good measures. Do I know why this happened? Yes. Why did it happen? Well…
If I told you I had no friends I would be lying. I have many friends. They mean a lot to me. How close they are to me, however, is a whole other ball game. In the past few years I have gone through so many groups of friends it’s ridiculous and quite frankly, it’s pathetic on my behalf. I see people that have kept the same friends they’ve had since primary school and I wonder where I went so terribly wrong. I used to have certain, solid best friends. Nowadays I still have friends, but no-one I would consider a real best friend. My old best friend has new social interests that I am yet to fathom, so we have inevitably gone our separate ways. Is it with age that we lose our bonds with people? No, once again I think this is just me.
I am not a recluse, I am innocent. This title is not one I have simply thought up of my own accord, I have been described by another as innocent. I seek happiness and enjoyment from ‘innocent’ things, such as going to the cinema or spending the day at a friend’s. I have no interest in spending my nights inebriated on a pavement down an alleyway. Or, as my age has now apparently permitted, in a nightclub surrounded by men and women twice the size (and age) of me. Because of my “boring” nature, I have found myself beginning to become a social outcast among my peers. Not because I spend my weekends behind closed doors though; if you’re looking for me during the weekend, town is your best bet. More so due to my liver being clear of any alcohol.
Has this sensibility brought about my own mental downfall and this overpowering isolation? Maybe it has, but either way I am in a lose-lose situation. I stay sober – I spend my nights alone. I go out and consume alcohol – I publically announce how alone I feel. Then again I am very publically posting a blog about it right now. Perhaps tonight I am simply drunk on emotions and perhaps tomorrow I will have sobered up, left only with a pounding headache from the night before.