Tuesday, 12 February 2013

How Not To Get Over Your Ex

As we are fast-approaching the big V-day, most of us are probably wishing we could indulge in a day of romance with that one person we long for. Luckily I am awaiting my first ever Valentine’s Day as a girlfriend. But for those of you who aren’t quite so fortunate, this post is dedicated to you. To ensure that complete isolation is achieved, I have devised a simple set of guidelines I would recommend you follow. You’re welcome.

1.     Whip out the Adele album

Or any other record that can convince you just as easily that your life is as good as over without your beloved. Tracks like “Don’t You Remember” and “Someone Like You” are sure to keep you in touch with your feelings of dejection and melancholy, leading inevitably to a longing for the gentle caress of your ex-lover. With thousands of love songs at your disposal thanks to good ol’ YouTube, you can experience hours and hours of agony with the click of a button. Heck, if you’re feeling lazy you can even Google ‘heartbreak songs’, or something of similar meaning. Sorted.

2.     Movie nights in.

If the tunes aren’t doing enough for you, why not re-enact a night when you and your ex cuddled up on the sofa for a romantic movie marathon? It’s just as fun on your own, if not better. Duvet to yourself, double the amount of popcorn, and no time-consuming kisses which divert your attention from the screen.
Okay I’m lying here, you’re going to be feeling pretty crap if you do that. But hey, this is how not to get over your ex. I’m meant to be making you feel like crap.
Thinking-out-loud session over, moving swiftly on.

3.     Call them, maybe?

Make it a daily occurrence. Set a reminder on your phone or write it on your hand if necessary. When they stop answering, put your number on private. The curiosity will force them to pick up. When they block your number do not despair, they have only blocked one number. You have access to many numbers. Do not hesitate to avail of them. Hesitation is an admission of defeat.

4.     Socialising also admits defeat

The night you decide to join your friends on a fun night out is the night you have lost the battle. These ‘friends’ are not trying to “help you” they are attempting to ruin your life. If your ex sees you out having a good time (which you obviously won’t have anyway, because you’re miserable) they will immediately assume you are over them. And you don’t want that, oh no. As the wise words of Adele told us, your life is over without love. Basically what I’m saying is this:

Friends = life ruiners.
Fun = death-trap.
Adele = lyrical Goddess.

Do the right thing – stay at home. Preferably alone.

5.     Major stalking sessions are vital

Once again, this should be a daily occurrence. If not, you’re giving up. Want to be known as a quitter? No? Then get your ass onto Facebook, Twitter or whatever social networks they are a part of. Their name should be prominent in your search bar. ‘Like’ all their oldest pictures - it shows your level of interest in a most positive manner. Send them long messages – they will appreciate the amount of thought you spent on them. In fact, leave a short message on their profile every time they cross your mind. “I’m thinking of you” is always a nice one. Make sure it’s public so as that everyone can see your thoughtfulness. It’s a no-brainer.

6.     Keep everything

By this I mean all the things you have gathered during the relationship such as love letters, pictures, or even the teddy they won you at the funfair (when does that ever actually happen?). Buy the perfume/after-shave they use or even the fabric conditioner they wash their clothes with. This will satisfy all cravings for their scent long after it is gone. Keep buying their favourite brand of chocolate in case they ever call over – you don’t want to be caught empty handed when you should’ve been anticipating their knock, or they’ll never return. Also, it’s been proven that 87% of relationships are mended over a bar of chocolate.

That last sentence wasn’t true. Sorry, I got carried away.

7.     Leave them notes

This involves a tad more sneakiness on your behalf. If you’re in school with them, drop a note on their desk or in their bag. Do it at a time that would be seemingly impossible, like when both of you are not in the vicinity of the school. Or so it seemed, wink wink. If school is not an option you may have to go with the more obvious approach and write your message in chalk outside their house. Or bedroom window. Or if their window is open why not seize the opportunity and jump right in? A few loving words under a pillowcase is no crime, is it?

8.     Analyse everything they say

If they make statuses or tweets, they are most likely targeted at you. If they share song videos or even mention them, yep it’s probably because the song reminds them of you. If their status reads “Loving the single life” that is most definitely a challenge set for you. They want you back. They thought they were happy being single before they met you, now they want you to woo them all over again. They’re so in love with you, it’s quite cringy how obvious they’re making it. Go get them back, tiger.

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