Saturday, 10 November 2012

A Letter To My Thirteen Year Old Self


This is really strange for me because I can remember you perfectly. You’re fun to be around, “one of the lads”, and most of all you’re always smiling. It pains me to say this, but that’s all going to change in the next few years. I wish I could tell you how great your teenage years will be. But I’ve set you up for the greatest fall you will ever experience. For that, I really am sorry. However, the fact that I’m writing this means you will get through everything our life throws at you. It’s going to be one hell of a journey that you definitely won’t be ready for, but it’s the path I’ve chosen for you; for us. The one that went up in flames with every regretful step I took. Your life is about to change dramatically and I wish I could give you every little detail so you can avoid all the trauma. But if I did that you wouldn’t become the person I am now. Maybe I’m wrong in saying this, but I think I’m actually a half-decent person. And no matter how awfully hard my adolescence has been, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m sixteen now and a completely different person to who you are at the moment. The most encouraging thing I can tell you about me is that I have learnt never to take happiness for granted. In saying this, I’m happy right now – the happiest I’ve been since I was you. I hate that I’ve done this to your future, but you’re going to have to grow up extremely fast. Things will start to go downhill after your next birthday, so enjoy this year while you can. The friends you have now will not be the friends you’ll have at my age. It’s crazy how much can change in three years. Being blunt, you’re going to lose most of your friends. Expect the worst from those you thought the most of. I’m sitting next to your best friend as I write this sentence and I couldn’t have less respect for her if I tried. She’s going to ruin you, Olivia. When that happens, you will be alone. Help will be scarce and ‘friends’ will become a word vague and unfamiliar to you. You may think they’ll never come back, but they will… eventually.

I have not made life easy for you. You’re going to make massive mistakes and have a whole list of regrets. You’re going to hurt the ones you love the most, and not just once. They’re going to hurt you too, though. You’ll go through long phases of depression, self-harming, and complete withdrawal from life. But someone will save you. Someone will care about you. You must find that person; it will be the best decision of your life so far. Apologise. Forget your ego – apologies will be your saviour in the long haul. So will writing. You’re going to be a great writer, Olivia; it’s going to help you so much. But writing will be a huge secret for years. Enjoy that side of you that few know about. Also, never give up on your passions: soccer and guitar. They will stand to you and be a major escape in time.

In between the fights, the bullying, the betrayal and the disappointments, you will make some great memories. You’ll know what love is by the age of fifteen. You will also know the severity of a broken heart at the age of fifteen. Anyway, here’s something you won’t want to hear: you’re bisexual. Yes I know the lesbians on Coronation Street freak you out, but that’s simply because you don’t understand sexuality yet. You hear stereotypes and insults, and you think anything different is awful. But YOU are so different. You’ll never “blend in” no matter how hard you try. When you do open up and start being yourself you’ll realise how much happier you are. People may not believe your announcement at first (they think you’re looking for attention, drama, etc.) but you’ll soon prove them wrong. The first person to steal your heart will be a girl. Shocked? Well, the second person you fall in love with will also be a girl. The year between these relationships will be a rollercoaster of emotions, tears, boys, girls, hate, fear, and finally, relief. You’re going to try too hard to fall in love again with just anyone, and after a year of searching you’ll give up. That’s when my girlfriend will find you. Yes, I’m talking about as little as four months ago, my time. She’s going to be the answer to that prayer you will have been making for months. If I knew how long this happiness will last, I would tell you. Go with your instincts; listen to your heart – this time it got it right.

Even though a lot of people will know your dramas, don’t let them think they know you. Very few people do. Don’t depend too much on people; it’s a death-trap. Don’t trust every person that asks about you either. They don’t care about you; they’re just nosey and selfish. Appreciate those few that stick with you, but not everyone that leaves you is to be forgotten about. There will be a few people that will always be in your heart. For some, memories are all that will remain. Others will bring you happiness every day. Enemies will fade away, along with all the drama surrounding your name. You’ll be scarred, but so much stronger. Your pain and experiences will work to your advantage in so many ways; you just need to figure out how.

Anyway, I hope this letter has helped you understand you a little better. I know it’s vague, but listen closely to what I do tell you. You have the insight I only wished for.

Good luck in life, I hope we meet some day. I’m sure we’ll have plenty to talk about.

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